Rant/Venting: Bigger Person

  
Hahaha! I have to find comfort and hope anywhere I can sometimes… Even if it is from a quote off the interspace 😳😶

It’s what will keep me sane 😑

I learned a while ago that life is much simpler (and easier) if I just don’t verbally resist–waste of my energy and time. I especially don’t want to waste time (unlike money, I can NEVER be given more of such a precious commodity) on the ex (baby daddy). Basically, I had to push my ego aside and let him have his way with many a-things (w/ all his nagging, I usually imagine a stereotypical nagging ex-wife)… I would find myself rolling the eyeballs often accompanied by the inevitable, exhaustive sighs of having to deal w/ a person who can’t seem to move on. 

I also keep on repeating to myself how much of how he’s acting is really just how he is on the inside–unhappy and sometimes just plain ugly. 

What I find sad is how my daughter seems to put the ex on a pedestal. If it were deserving or somebody to look up to, it wouldn’t hurt me as much. But because I know how much of a victim he makes himself to be, I just don’t want my child to think that it’s an admirable trait to have thinking that when unpleasant stuff happens in her life, that it’s everybody else’s fault other than her own. 

I want her to know that stuff happens, you either deal with what’s happened and move forward or sit there and mope/whine/feeling sorry for herself. No, thank you!! Please have a stronger sense of self than that. 

I’m certainly not perfect, but at least I’m working on my issues. 

No more am I just going to stay by though. There are certain things I will put up with and won’t. Now that our child is getting older, I will let her see the tidbits of how her “great” dad is–I won’t have to do anything because he can do everything on his own. No more of me protecting how he really is from her. Life is about pain, sadness, joy, and happiness. She’s going to have to feel and deal with all of that. We all do! This is the reality of life. 

Compared to what I’ve gone through, our child is fortunate in so many ways. And sometimes it takes some tough times to be able to appreciate the better times. Just like when I get sick–I don’t realize how fortunate I am to be well until I’m sick–I ALWAYS use that as a reminder! So, I think it’s okay for her to feel natural unpleasantness of life to be reminded that she’s got it made when things are going well. 

Right now, I’m just going through that phase of being that bigger person–it’s friggin tiring! Seriously, it’s like, “man, it’s been YEARS, please find a different hobby.” 

He probably feels bad thinking he could’ve done more while we were together, or maybe he sees the physical proof of what him and I could never have because of his being (mindset). That would definitely upset me, too! Or maybe he doesn’t see those at all because he thinks that where I am today is holding him to where he is and because of me, he CAN’T move on. He’s mentioned something similar to me before… I finally told him that if I had that much power over him, I’d make him do plenty of other things, hahaha! If I had that kind of power over him, I certainly wouldn’t choose to have him annoy me, DUH!! Never heard him mention anything about me making doing things, hahaha! 

Oh, and not long ago, he was saying how he knew what I was up to just from a little back-and-forth about my daughter wanting to spend extra time w/ him. He said that he knows what I’m up to–um… what??? All I wanted to say was “wth are you talking about?” Until I realized I don’t even care about the answer. I was just dumbfounded–yes, after all these years, just when I don’t think he could say more dumb stuff, he does. Again, i just remind myself that it’s obviously him who has hidden motives–it’s the one who are the most suspicious that are committing the crime. 

Okay, I feel better now… To get that out of my head and off my chest. And to remember that I’ve got an awesome life going and he’s just the price that I have to pay–the world needs some balance 😊

Effort

  
Came across this and immediately had to show Sophia! 😁

Picked her up from school today and she eagerly told me was how one of her friends repeatedly said she’s always making mistakes (friend referring to herself). Sophia, then, told her that she shouldn’t say that because it’s self-prophecy (my words 😜)–proud to say I taught Sophia that and she actually retained it 😁 (I sometimes wonder if what I say/teach her stays or it goes in one ear and out the other… Happy to get this confirmation 😁)! 

Transitions

  

This picture was taken a few days ago on Wed… That was a hard evening…

Her father and I usually have a every other week schedule (me, one week; him, the next, and so on). But the last 4 1/2-ish weeks, she’s been with me because her father’s had to work out of town (2 hrs away). I was so excited to have her for an extended period of time!! But I also knew that the time would come when her father would have her for a similar amount of time as to keep out time with her equal (she’s very adamant on that). 

So, now that time has come and the first night that she went to go be w/ her father… I had that dreadful, hollow feeling like when we first split and it was the first day of her life that I wasn’t there! That hollowness turns into being down/slightly depressed 😔 the , of course, if I thought about it, I’d just down right out cried 😣 but as the days pass, it’s gets easier–definitely easier than that VERY first time (flashback, yikes!)! Also, as the days move on, that’s one less day that we’re apart. And before I know it, she’ll be back with me soon enough! 

This is probably the hardest part for me about not being w/ the father–is because I can’t know all of her childhood experiences… It’s pretty much missing 1/2 her life. I know, sounds so dramatic but, you got to admit, it’s kinda true…

Initially, her father didn’t even want to use his makeup days immediately, he wanted to save it and use it when he would that her to go visit his parents in another state. But since Sophia’s been on this kick of trying to have everything btwn her father and I equal, she wants that same amount of time with her dad ASAP. It was obvious he was trying to get out of it from Sophia telling me, but I don’t care–he wants to claim like he is such a great dad, then do it! So, after repeatedly telling him (at some points, I would say it rt in front of Sophia so that he wouldn’t be able to tell her anything different to make it look like I didn’t want him to take her–I wouldn’t put it pass him) that I’m okay w/ him taking her for a month, he didn’t really have any other choice but to take her. It’s sad to me that he doesn’t genuinely want to take her but only for the “show” of it. But if it makes her feel better, than that’s what truly counts!

Anyways… I’m just checking off one day at a time and hoping time passes by as quickly as when she was w/ me…

I Want To Be Better!

I’m starting this blog with the desire to be the best parent I can be to my daughter–whom I have joint custody of.

A little history…

Her father and I have been apart for approximately five years now. What’s ironic is that my most challenging times with him as co-parents have been in the last few years versus the beginning. Why? Because I don’t have the patience or understanding as I did when we first broke up–back then, I was aware (as I do now) that he was hurting and angry inside and would lash out at me. He would harass me through text most days and nights of the week, and just making things more challenging than they had to be. But after a couple years of him blaming and accusing me of all sorts of things (probably just to make himself feel better), I broke one day and lashed back! I took it and excused it for so long… everybody has a limit. Btw, being the bigger person is one of life’s toughest acts!! With that being said, I got weak and decided that I was going to give it back to him.

During one conversation (through text, of course, since he’s so afraid to do it verbally or in-person–I’ve tried), he kept on saying how much of a b*tch I was and all sorts of ridiculousness that I lashed back saying that I was going to make all his claims true! He accused me of being a b*tch, well, he’s going to get one! He accused me of being difficult and greedy, well, he’s going to get that! And you know what this guy said to me after I said I was going to be exactly what he accused me of? He asked why am I going to do that?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I had to read that twice to make sure I was seeing correctly! How am I “going” to do that if he was already claiming that I was?! That drove me nuts–that kind of emotional ignorance! And it’s not like I could just walk away from a hopeless situation, but I had to put up,deal, and live with this!

Ever since then, it has not been pleasant. I’m in no way wanting to make myself seem like a victim at all. I don’t see myself as a victim and I don’t want to be a victim! Every fight takes at least two people and I was that other half. I may have not started crap like he did, but I certainly added fuel to the fire. It’s taken me a few years since that time for me to relax and calm down–to know again that he’s lashing towards me out of anger and bitterness… he wants me to feel what he feels–just like when I chose to take the wrong path and give him back what he was giving me so that he could feel the aggravation and annoyance.

At some points, I was going nuts! I was out-of-control in my head–due to anger, annoyance, jealousy, and hurt (latter two being not in the way one might think, more on this later). But thank goodness for hitting bottom (not as dramatic as that sounds, but what I consider to be pretty bad in terms of mental-emotional control)… because of that, I sought help from a therapist who knows my daughter, her father, and myself and of our situation. It became my priority to accept that this was bigger than me and I needed help.

I had only seen her a few times after my breaking point (sounds so dramatic, I know) and that was enough for me to get on and stay on my current path–pushing and thriving to be the parent that I want to be and that my daughter needs. I’m not perfect and am not even attempting to be perfect, but I am aiming to be better! I have and will continue to make mistakes while on this journey, but it’s through those times that I will grow the most! I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t regret for having been ugly at certain times in the past and choosing to make the wrong decisions even when I was perfectly aware of what I was doing; but, in reality, I couldn’t be the person I am now without those more challenging moments. Knowing how it’s like to be on the ugly side, I know that I don’t want to be there and do my best to make the better decisions and act in ways that will keep me away from there.

I believe in the power of writing and releasing–it’s cleansing for the soul and the mind. And, thus, the beginning of this blog. I hope that this turns into a place that other co-parents could find relief and help in–that they’re not alone and we can be better… especially for those that need us and learn from us the most! Kids of two homes are already torn… as co-parents, we could at least attempt to minimize the internal turmoil the youngn’s are having to make sense of. It’s not about which parent is right or wrong, it’s about what’s going to make it emotionally easiest for our little ones.