I Want To Be Better!

I’m starting this blog with the desire to be the best parent I can be to my daughter–whom I have joint custody of.

A little history…

Her father and I have been apart for approximately five years now. What’s ironic is that my most challenging times with him as co-parents have been in the last few years versus the beginning. Why? Because I don’t have the patience or understanding as I did when we first broke up–back then, I was aware (as I do now) that he was hurting and angry inside and would lash out at me. He would harass me through text most days and nights of the week, and just making things more challenging than they had to be. But after a couple years of him blaming and accusing me of all sorts of things (probably just to make himself feel better), I broke one day and lashed back! I took it and excused it for so long… everybody has a limit. Btw, being the bigger person is one of life’s toughest acts!! With that being said, I got weak and decided that I was going to give it back to him.

During one conversation (through text, of course, since he’s so afraid to do it verbally or in-person–I’ve tried), he kept on saying how much of a b*tch I was and all sorts of ridiculousness that I lashed back saying that I was going to make all his claims true! He accused me of being a b*tch, well, he’s going to get one! He accused me of being difficult and greedy, well, he’s going to get that! And you know what this guy said to me after I said I was going to be exactly what he accused me of? He asked why am I going to do that?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I had to read that twice to make sure I was seeing correctly! How am I “going” to do that if he was already claiming that I was?! That drove me nuts–that kind of emotional ignorance! And it’s not like I could just walk away from a hopeless situation, but I had to put up,deal, and live with this!

Ever since then, it has not been pleasant. I’m in no way wanting to make myself seem like a victim at all. I don’t see myself as a victim and I don’t want to be a victim! Every fight takes at least two people and I was that other half. I may have not started crap like he did, but I certainly added fuel to the fire. It’s taken me a few years since that time for me to relax and calm down–to know again that he’s lashing towards me out of anger and bitterness… he wants me to feel what he feels–just like when I chose to take the wrong path and give him back what he was giving me so that he could feel the aggravation and annoyance.

At some points, I was going nuts! I was out-of-control in my head–due to anger, annoyance, jealousy, and hurt (latter two being not in the way one might think, more on this later). But thank goodness for hitting bottom (not as dramatic as that sounds, but what I consider to be pretty bad in terms of mental-emotional control)… because of that, I sought help from a therapist who knows my daughter, her father, and myself and of our situation. It became my priority to accept that this was bigger than me and I needed help.

I had only seen her a few times after my breaking point (sounds so dramatic, I know) and that was enough for me to get on and stay on my current path–pushing and thriving to be the parent that I want to be and that my daughter needs. I’m not perfect and am not even attempting to be perfect, but I am aiming to be better! I have and will continue to make mistakes while on this journey, but it’s through those times that I will grow the most! I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t regret for having been ugly at certain times in the past and choosing to make the wrong decisions even when I was perfectly aware of what I was doing; but, in reality, I couldn’t be the person I am now without those more challenging moments. Knowing how it’s like to be on the ugly side, I know that I don’t want to be there and do my best to make the better decisions and act in ways that will keep me away from there.

I believe in the power of writing and releasing–it’s cleansing for the soul and the mind. And, thus, the beginning of this blog. I hope that this turns into a place that other co-parents could find relief and help in–that they’re not alone and we can be better… especially for those that need us and learn from us the most! Kids of two homes are already torn… as co-parents, we could at least attempt to minimize the internal turmoil the youngn’s are having to make sense of. It’s not about which parent is right or wrong, it’s about what’s going to make it emotionally easiest for our little ones.